


I Blame the Sea

by flightlessboy



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Accidental overdose, Drift Side Effects, Gen, Hermann and Newt are really bad at feelings, Post-Movie, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, relationships subject to change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightlessboy/pseuds/flightlessboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Figuring out life after the breach closed is almost as scary as life before it, especially since drifting didn't work out quite like it was supposed to. Nothing else is working out, either, but that's par for the course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prologue, it's just Newt and Hermann, but the rest will show up soon enough!

It didn't feel like it had been hours since the breach had closed- it didn't feel like it had been more than a few seconds. The brilliant burning relief in Hermann's chest had not faded yet. He'd been sitting along the edges of the celebration, earlier, riding the waves of emotion that filled the Shatterdome, allowing himself to feel the same elation and wonder as everyone else. Newton was somewhere in the middle of the festivities, he'd imagined, drunk on the atmosphere and on the illicit alcohol that had suddenly appeared. However, when the thrills began to quiet down and Hermann was able to hear himself thing again, he realized his thoughts were not so solitary. He followed the feeling through the halls of the Shatterdome, and it took only a few minutes to figure out where he was going.

The only lights in the lab came from Hermann's desk lamp and the dim safety lights on Newt's specimen tanks. Careful of where he was stepping, Hermann crossed into the biologist's side of the lab, passing the remains of Newt's first attempt at drifting. Leaning on the brain's tank, knees pulled up to his chest, was a definitely drunk Newton. It looked as if he'd supplied his own alcohol, however, as evidenced by the empty bottles scattered around him. There was another, half-full, in his hands, but Newt was shaking so much that he couldn't quite get it to reach his lips. Hermann's nose wrinkled at smell.

“Dear God, Newton. This must be the worst beer in Hong Kong, who in their right mind would sell this slop?” Carefully, he knelt beside the drunk scientist, taking the bottle from Newt and setting it as far away as he could. It took another moment for Newton to register that Hermann was there, and then one more to notice his empty hands. He smiled, but one side of his face did not comply.

“H- urp- 'mann?” His head rolled sideways and he tried to look Hermann in the eyes, but he wasn't quite sure to look. “Which one are you? I'm... drunk... fused... drunkfused, haha.” Newt's words were so slurred, they were almost unintelligible. A worm of worry began to twist in Hermann's gut.

“Newton, did you drink all of these on your own?” He quickly counted the bottles around him, calculating the alcohol level in each (if the labels could be trusted.)

“Mmm. Shit beer.”

“Have you eaten anything recently?”

“Does xana- xan- meds? Meds count?” The worry worm in Hermann's gut became a snake, crawling all the way up to his lungs and crushing.

“Get up! Can you get up?” Newton chuckled a little and shook his head- the movement was all over the place, and he tipped into Hermann.

“Nah, 'm finnnne. Tired.” Newt said something else, but it was too much gibberish for Hermann to translate. He gently pushed the drunk scientist off of him and rose, making his way to Newt's computer with as much haste as his knee could muster. He brought up the vidcomm and called the medical bay, praying that a few nurses were still on duty and not out in the celebrations. 

“I need emergency medical in the K-science lab, immediately!” He didn't even wait for a face to appear once the call was accepted. A shocked nurse on the other hand nodded- he didn't look completely awake, but he called in the emergency with decent enough haste. When he assured Hermann that doctors were on their way and the call closed, the mathematician allowed himself to slump into Newt's task chair. When he turned around, Newt's eyes were closed. Before he could panic, though, the man snored loud enough to wake three levels of the Shatterdome- if anyone else was sleeping at the moment. The crushing in Hermann's lungs lightened up a little, but his feet bounced with nerves as he waited for the EMTs to show up- it was more of Newton's trait than his, the bouncing, but he excused himself for it just this once.

It took longer than average for the medical team to arrive, unsurprisingly, but Hermann gratefully noted that each and every one of them looked completely sober.

“What's going on?” One of them asked, while the rest surrounded Newton. He could see them checking pulse, blood pressure, retinal response.

“A combination of alcohol- lots of alcohol, and xanax. I don't know how long, I only arrived a minute before I called you.” Hermann wasn't a doctor, but thinking once more about the mixture of medication and alcohol made him nervous- plenty of people in college had made the same mistake, and been considerably worse off for it.

“Is he wearing his binder?”

“I- what. His what?”

“Is he wearing his binder?”

“I don't know what you're talking about!” Hermann growled frustratedly. “Please start making sense or doing something, one or the other.”

“I'm sorry, excuse me.” The medical technician turned away from Hermann and assisted in the attempt to lift Newton onto the stretcher. The medical team whisked him away without another word to Hermann, and when the lab was quiet, he noticed that his own hands were shaking. Still, he'd seen this before and he knew that there was no point looking for Newt until the morning, so he resigned himself to the last half of Newt's abandoned bottle.

Somewhere between the lab and his quarters, Hermann realized that he could still hear the sound of people celebrating in the distance, but he could no longer hear Newton's consciousness in any corner of his mind. The worry in his chest shrank back down to a worm, curled up in his intestines, and refused to leave for the remainder of the night. When he did finally fall asleep, his dreams were nightmares of Newton. Dead, in most of them, from the first drift or the second drift or Otachi. What he didn't dream about, though, were Newton's memories. And he was halfway through his morning shower when he realized why- he hadn't seen any in the drift. He hadn't seen anything.


	2. Chapter 2

Newton woke up feeling like he'd slept in Satan's asscrack, but at least he wasn't alone. Or, so he assumed by the hand that was holding his. Yeah, definitely not alone.

“Hermann?” Between his lack of glasses and the harsh florescent lights above him, he could only make out the vague shape of a person beside him.

“Guess again, buddy.” The voice was familiar, and he brightened up immediately.

“Alison! I haven't seen you in weeks! What are you doing here?” He pulled his hand away to push himself up a little in his hospital bed. Alison Choi handed him his glasses, which he took gratefully.

“Well, we didn't want you to be alone when you woke up.”

“We? Where's Hermann?” Newt took a moment to take in his surroundings- the Shatterdome medical bay, not a private room, but he was the only one in at the moment. According to the clock on the wall, it had been almost 18 hours since the breach had closed. 18 hours that he absolutely didn't remember.

“Hermann is out with Ranger Mori, deciding if he's ever going to talk to you again after that stunt you pulled. 'We' would be Tendo and I, Mako, Raleigh, and Hermann of course.” Alison leaned close to Newt, drawing his attention back to her. “You're a fucking dumbass, Geiszler, and I hope you feel like shit. But I also hope you get well soon, because you know I can't stand to see you miserable.”

“Well, I'm miserable, so we're halfway there. But if you could maybe tell me what 'stunt' I pulled, and why I'm in medical, that would be great. Was it the drift? Did it fuck up?”

“No, you fucked up. Can you give me any good reason why you would mix a double dose of xanax with alcohol? Lots of it, actually. Dr. Gottlieb said your blood-alcohol level was enough to put you down for a few days.”

“I... I did that?” Newt's heart made it's way into his throat and knotted there, just a little bit of terror seeping through. Alison's expression softened.

“Yeah. Do you know why?”

“I...” Newt considered it for a moment, racking his brain for the last of his memories- drifting with Hermann, saving the world, and then- “Maybe?”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not right now.” He stared at his hands for a moment, fiddling with the IV and pulse monitor. He really did feel awful, and more tired than he'd been in years. The two sat in silence for a while.

“It's probably best that Hermann isn't here yet, anyways. Aside from the wanting to kill you part.”

“First of all, I don't understand why he wants to kill me, it wasn't like I was trying to kill myself, but really, why else should he not be here right now? Am I smelly? Do I look bad?” Alison made meaningful eye contact with Newt and then looked at his chest. He followed her gaze, and deflated.

“Oh. Right.”

“Fortunately, they didn't cut it off of you before they pumped your stomach, so I did manage to save your binder. They threw out everything else, though.”

“They what?”

“Yeah, kaiju contamination or something like that, but leather jackets are-”

“No, not that. The- the other one. They pumped my stomach? God, no wonder I feel like shit.”

“Yeah, well, you look like it, too, if it helps at all.” Newt leaned his head back against his pillow, closing his eyes.

“Oh, shit. Do I want to see?”

“No. Here's my mirror.” Newt opened his eyes and took Alison's compact mirror, opening it and looking on with trepidation. He almost- almost- couldn't tell which eye had been bloodshot by the drift and which hadn't. Most of the blood vessels in his face had burst, as well, probably from gagging or dry heaving forcefully. The bags under his eyes were a nightmare in and of themselves. “So I guess this means you won't be competing in any beauty pageants soon, huh?” She patted his shoulder sympathetically. Newt slumped back down and yawned.

“I really fucked up.”

“Yeah.” Alison goes to say something else, but Newt's asleep again. Instead, she carefully pulls her mirror from his relaxed hands, moves his glasses from his face to his bedside table, and closes the door quietly when she leaves.

-

Tendo, Alison, and Raleigh gather in one corner of the cafeteria. Tendo's going on more than six hours away from LOCCENT, for the first time in years, and if he's a little twitchy, no one says anything. Mostly they don't talk- it seems that many people enjoy post-breach meals in grateful silence- when you no longer need to say something important, you don't. It's easy and peaceful. Eventually, though, Raleigh's curiosity breaks the silence.

“So how was he?” He turns his attention from the tray in front of him to Alison.

“He's been better... I think it was an accident, really. Newt's not the type, and he didn't seem to know why he was in the hospital, he had no idea.”

“Well, I'm glad he's fine. Mako's been worried sick since Dr. Gottlieb told us.”

“Speaking of,” Alison followed up, “How is Dr. Gottlieb?” Tendo chuckled beside her and shook his head.

“You don't want to know, hun.”

“No?” She looked between the two men, trying to decide who would answer first.

“Okay, you might want to know, it was pretty interesting.” Tendo turned sideways on his bench to face her, an easier position for the story. “Dr. Gottlieb comes into LOCCENT this morning looking like he hasn't slept at all, smelling like cheap Chinese beer. I've heard him rant about that that stuff being toxic, so I ask him about it. He pulls me into the hall and, shaking with rage, says 'That fucking bastard. I'd walk across Hong Kong twice just for some Tabasco sauce, and then I'd pour it all over his stupid pet cactus, and then I'd shove it down his throat.' Just like that, perfect accent and everything. Now, in the greater context of things, the whole conversation wasn't so funny. But now we know that Dr. Hermann Gottlieb has a mean streak, contrary to popular belief And a compassionate side, just as unexpected.”

“And Dr. Geiszler has a pet cactus,” Raleigh threw in, and Alison wondered if they were maybe not focusing on the right part of the story.

“Okay, but is Hermann, you know, okay? It's got to be scary- how many times have you walked in on someone accidentally overdosing?” Tendo opened his mouth to reply, but thought better of it. Raleigh turns back to his food, thoughtful.

-

Mako and Hermann share an umbrella and a bench on the helipad, a small box of crackers between them. When they had first met- Hermann younger and Mako still a child, it had become a tradition of theirs to sit secluded and share the quiet. As the war got worse, they had less time to share, and this was the first time they'd had the time in almost two years. They'd been there for four hours, now, watching the ocean and discussing how life was going to go on turning, now that there were no more kaiju to push humanity's desperation to survive. They hadn't discussed Newton, for the sake of staying calm. Not yet, but more questions were brimming on Hermann's tongue than he had room for.

“What is it like?” He finally asked. “When you drift with someone.” Mako looked at him with surprise. “I- I don't mean to ask for personal details, of course. But drifting with Dr. Geiszler was not at all what I expected. If I could compare my experiences to yours, perhaps I could make sense of the confusion.” Mako shifted to a more comfortable sitting position, facing Hermann just a little bit more.

“Drifting is like nothing else. Whatever is on their mind, is on your mind also. And the other way around. You can't really have secrets, but it isn't bad. I will never understand anyone else like I understand Raleigh.” She smiled encouragingly. “The first drift is always hard, though. Tell me, what are you worried about?”

“Firstly, in the drift, I didn't see anything from him. No memories, no feelings, no thoughts. He was... there, certainly, I felt him there. But his mind was blocked from me. I've considered the possibility that the outdated machine we used malfunctioned, caused an atypical drift, but it does not answer all of my questions.”

“It is possible that the addition of a kaiju brain caused these complications.” Mako's brow was furrowed, and she didn't look as sure as she sounded.

“Possible, yes.” The silence between them drew longer, heavy with thought and worry.

“Are you going to forgive him?” Hermann's heart leaped in his chest, and for a moment he wasn't sure that he would be able to reply. He was too hurt to be sure of anything.

“I don't know.”

“Are you going to talk to him about it?”

“No.” Mako looked at him sadly, then reached out and put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into her embrace. He allowed it, like he always did, and only because she was as close as he had to a niece. Then the cold began to creep into their feet and hands, Mako and Hermann finally closed the umbrella and returned to the warmth of the inner halls of the shatterdome, to the cafeteria. Tendo and Alison were still sitting, and waved the two over. Their conversations were upbeat, definitively avoiding Newton or any subject that could lead to him. Though he wouldn't have known how to say it, Hermann was immensely grateful for the situation. Occasionally, Mako's hand would brush his arm, and he would smile at her, and that was telling enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Newt got his hopes up when the nurse came in carrying a set of his clothes, binder and all.

 

“Sweet, does this mean I can go now?”

 

“In just a bit. Dr. Heller will be in in a few minutes to go over some outpatient care, and then you're good to go!” She smiled brightly at him as she set the clothes on his lap. “Just don't go too wild on the birthday party this year.” Newt instinctively looked at his wrist for a watch, but he didn't have one. And even if he did, it wouldn't tell him what day it was. His phone, however, was on the table beside his bed. A quick check confirmed that it was indeed the fourteenth of January, and his birthday was only five days away. If he maybe indulged in a quick fist pump, it was only because he'd lived to see 36 and not at all because he totally had time to set up a party, and hunt down some more booze. _I should probably lay off of it for a bit_ , he thought guiltily, as he slipped out of his hospital gown and began to dress. He'd just finished straightening his tie when Dr. Heller came in.

 

“Hello, Dr. Geiszler. How are you feeling?” Dr. Heller was a tall, dark woman with hair that would fall past her elbows if she were to let it down. She lacked the distant, impersonal smile of most doctors- when she smiled, she looked at someone like there was no one else in the world. She graced Newt with this look as she gestured for him to sit back on his bed, and he complied.

 

“Better, thanks. I know I went a bit crazy there, but in all the excitement, I think I just lost track of myself. I definitely didn't mean to do anything damaging, jeez, I'm a biologist and I know when a body's had just about enough. And lemme tell ya, I have had enough now. As soon as I get out of here, I'm gonna go back and sleep for a week.”

 

“Well, I'm sorry to put that off for just a bit longer.”

 

“I- what?”

 

“Dr. Geiszler, you drifted with a kaiju, and then a kaiju and another human, using a very makeshift setup. The possibilities for neural damage are immense, and Marshall Hansen has ordered a full battery of physical and psychological tests for yourself and Dr. Gottlieb.” Dr. Heller gestured to the abandoned gown on the floor. “You're going to need to put that back on.” Newt's heart sunk.

 

“Oh, alright. Um. Is it okay if I keep my, my-”

 

“Yes, that should be fine. Just so long as there's no metal in it.” With a sigh, mixed relief and resignation, Newton began to work his tie undone. Too tight, as usual. “When you're ready, just step outside. You're scheduled for an MRI first, the nurse outside your door will show you where to go. And you're absolutely correct- when you're done here, go home and rest. Don't push yourself physically or mentally for at least a week.” Dr. Heller stood to go, and had made it halfway to the door before Newt spoke up.

 

“Dr. Heller?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Would I... maybe... happen to run into Hermann- Dr. Gottlieb, in between tests?” He shifted nervously.

 

“No, I'm sorry. Dr. Gottlieb won't be in until this afternoon.”

 

“Right. Thank you.” When the door closed behind the doctor, Newt finished changing out of his day clothes and back into his hospital gown.

 

-

 

Hermann spent the first half of the morning cleaning up his side of the lab- not that it was ever anything but clean, but he needed something to do and it had to involve constantly looking over to Newton's side of the lab, having confusing feelings, and sitting down for tea every hour or so. Meandering his side of the lab in the meantime was exactly what he needed. It also meant he could look over at the math left on his chalk boards, contemplate what he had left to finish and where he should go from there. He couldn't focus for long though, his eyes kept drifting back to the now dead kaiju brain on the other side of the room, sitting there, completely still, and he couldn't help and feel watched by it. Had it, in it's last moments, seen inside Newton's head? Did it know more about his colleague and friend than he did? The idea was absurd, and enraging, and it was absurd that he was enraged by it. But he was. The kettle boiled and he sat down on the couch at the back of their lab again, this time with earl grey, doing breathing exercises and massaging his hands while his tea steeped. He did his best to ignore the cold itching in the back of his brain where scraps of emotions that weren't his sometimes drifted in, but couldn't help but wonder what all the anxiety and disappointment was about.

 

He probably would have forgotten that he was scheduled to go in for tests, if it weren't for Tendo Choi inturrupting his train of thought a mere ten minutes before he had to go in. In fact, Tendo had probably been there longer than he thought, but Hermann had been staring at his mug so intently, he wouldn't have noticed if the kaiju came back.

 

“Earth to Dr. Gottlieb? Anyone home?” Hermann jumped a little, looking up from his now-cold drink.

 

“Ah, hello Mr. Choi. Is there anything I can help you with?” Tendo took a seat next to Hermann on the couch.

 

“Actually, it's the other way around. Newt's just getting out of testing, I was thinking maybe the three of us could go out to eat when you're done?”

 

“Is it that time? Oh, damn, I almost missed it. Thank you, Mr. Choi, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass on your offer. I'm very tired, and I think I'll be retiring early tonight. All the excitement of... closing the breach.”

 

“You've got it, doctor.” Tendo's face creased with concern. Somewhere in the back of not-Hermann's mind, there was a spike of excitement. He found himself following the trail of that feeling, chasing it back to it's source, in the cafeteria... “Doctor?” Hermann pulled himself out of the emotion. “Yeah, you really do need some sleep.” Tendo tentatively placed his hand on Hermann's shoulder, but only for half a second, before he stood again. “Take care of yourself, man.”

 

“Yes, of course.” Hermann muttered, but it might have been long after Tendo's departure- when he looked up, he was alone again. He gathered himself again and stood, then found his way to the medical bay, checked in, and changed into a gown of his own. Somewhere in the area of the lab, he felt a pang of disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to be updating during NaNoWriMo, but I've been ahead on my writing, so I figured I'd drop another chapter here while I had the writing juices flowing.


End file.
